Another Week Over With – Can I Disappear Already?

Posted: June 12, 2009 in Battles, Life, People, Struggle
Tags: ,

I have never felt so trapped within myself before… I go through periods of isolation so much so it bothers me. I think it bothers me more because others are bothered by it so I’m kinda confused as to whether I am as much in thelohvcfghd wrong as I beat myself up to be.

I tend to “go into hiding” for a few weeks – no one really hears from me. I don’t decide to do it, I just find myself doing it. Maybe it’s an insecurity… It gets to the point sometimes when I cannot stand people at all! Even close friends I suddenly find irritating, uncomfortable, to keep it subtle and I don’t know why! If I’m not careful I could even end up disliking them and completely pushing them out of my life, even though they most likely haven’t done anything wrong at all.

This is hard to admit. Definitely not something to be proud of. It ruins my relationships all the time. I just disappear and, not-so-much become a complete bum and mope around, but just don’t respond to anyone whether its a call, a text, an email… etc

I’m someone who requires space and not too many friends. I have trust issues (not to excuse my ways) and hate being dependant. No one really deserves what I do but I am so unaware that it’s happening that when I do catch on, I go with it and have the strongest desire to block everyone out and start a new life with fresh new people…

Been battling this week and I actually cried for the first time in mucho months. It was a late night conversation with a friend of mine that did it. As caring and thoughtful as it was to encourage me to humble myself enough to re-approach people to try reviving relationships, I cried because I didn’t have to desire to what I should do. I should want to.

So now I think people have had enough of my flaws because I no longer hear from them either… Don’t blame them. ARGH!! I must have some deep, twisted issues that sub-consciously cause me to jepardise my own life.

Thought I’d share this because I’m hurting…

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Comments
  1. Omar Modesto says:

    Sorry to hear that you’re going through so much with yourself. I’ve got issues of my own, some that are similar to yours. If I could go into hiding for weeks (while living on my own) every once in a while, I would. Thank goodness for “online life” (ha!).

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