Archive for the ‘Battles’ Category

I have never felt so trapped within myself before… I go through periods of isolation so much so it bothers me. I think it bothers me more because others are bothered by it so I’m kinda confused as to whether I am as much in thelohvcfghd wrong as I beat myself up to be.

I tend to “go into hiding” for a few weeks – no one really hears from me. I don’t decide to do it, I just find myself doing it. Maybe it’s an insecurity… It gets to the point sometimes when I cannot stand people at all! Even close friends I suddenly find irritating, uncomfortable, to keep it subtle and I don’t know why! If I’m not careful I could even end up disliking them and completely pushing them out of my life, even though they most likely haven’t done anything wrong at all.

This is hard to admit. Definitely not something to be proud of. It ruins my relationships all the time. I just disappear and, not-so-much become a complete bum and mope around, but just don’t respond to anyone whether its a call, a text, an email… etc

I’m someone who requires space and not too many friends. I have trust issues (not to excuse my ways) and hate being dependant. No one really deserves what I do but I am so unaware that it’s happening that when I do catch on, I go with it and have the strongest desire to block everyone out and start a new life with fresh new people…

Been battling this week and I actually cried for the first time in mucho months. It was a late night conversation with a friend of mine that did it. As caring and thoughtful as it was to encourage me to humble myself enough to re-approach people to try reviving relationships, I cried because I didn’t have to desire to what I should do. I should want to.

So now I think people have had enough of my flaws because I no longer hear from them either… Don’t blame them. ARGH!! I must have some deep, twisted issues that sub-consciously cause me to jepardise my own life.

Thought I’d share this because I’m hurting…

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Haven’t had a clue what the date has been for a while… sometimes I did, for like when filling in forms or having appointments or meetings to attend – I’d sleep and POOF! I wake up unknown to the date once again. So Happy 1st of the Month and Happy April Fools! ūüôā

I made a courageous step a few days ago and I thought what I was feeling was regret, but it turns out that I’m just scared. When we open doors to haunting things – well, who wants to do that?!? We some up how pointless it was – how typing it out/writing it/speaking about it makes you cry inside (or for many, outside too), how the pain all rushes back which for some reason makes me so angry, how it makes you want to just wanna stop and crawl into a hole…

I actually got angry at the people I shared my story with – secretly. I can laugh at it now, but there’s something about¬†hearing positive stuff when you’re down that really bugs me. Could have screamed but I’m not the screaming type! :p

Days have passed now and I can’t say I have the intention to approach the topic again – nor solve the mess… sigh.

I’ve probably got this completely wrong (more time – YES!) but I woke up this morning, decided to cheer up and now I¬†feel totally refreshed! Am I kidding myself?! Can it be that simple?? I want it to be! I NEED it to be! I just don’t know¬†how to solve inner issues that steal my joy daily, manipulate my emotions and my perspective on life, cause me to step out the social-circle a couple times a month because I don’t like the possibility of bring others down when I am…. Demanding myself to be happy and not to think too much seems perfect!

So can this month be opening to new things Рthe concept of it being the blossoming season makes it a perfect fit to waking up each morning WANTING to blossom and enjoy my day!

I must be dilusional…

One thing I hate experiencing is the will to pour everything out but no one there to do it with. Or even people there, but which one? How to go about it? Where to start?

So I type to survive this stormy season… I have found no freedom in the talking I’ve done so far. Kinda ¬†why I have shut the world out the last few months. I had one hell of a summer (’08) – events that will ¬†surely be mentioned at some point so prepare yourself.

Christians fool themselves sometimes. We tend to lean on life being all great and full of light all the time. That’s why when I see my friends fall, they fall the hardest! The Bible doesn’t say anything about such guarentee – what it talks about is us being the light to those in darkness, and us seeking the ‘light’ in our situations. I fail all the time with that one. I’m poor in my faith.

It’s why we MUST hang on – for the sake of others too. It’s something I grew up on and see as the most important in life. I can’t sit around and waste life especially when it leaves others in the gutter. I admit, I can’t possibly help everyone – yet the people in my cirlcle of life (yeah – I’m going all Lion King on ya!) are my responsibility in some way. I want to do my best by all of them, regardless of distance between us, level of our relationship and what they believe. So that’s the people I know offline and those I have met online.

So if I have to go to the extreme to get to that place to do so – I’m gonna do it! Even getting there, in itself, will do such works.

So I’m going to type EVERYTHING and Lord help me b/c this is new and challenging for me.

You would think that by the lyrics that this person is a Christian… hmmm – find and read the lyrics for yourself when you have the time.