Archive for the ‘People’ Category

Friday Rant

Posted: December 11, 2009 in Life, People, Random

I woke up this morning overlooking the decisions I’ve made over the last 2 months. I wouldn’t say they’re regrettable, b/c they were necessary, yet, they will be difficult to explain if I was to be put on the spot by certain people. I realised how much needs to change, stuff that are others responsibility, so as helpful and as loving as they are, I feel the need to allow space/distance. Not as drastic as cutting them off or ignoring them, but limiting the contact and, when in contact, how much I share.

It’s that time of year, anyway, when most people start reviewing things and planning goals for the following months/year. Don’t ask me what mine are though, I haven’t a clue yet. I’m still looking back.

Other than that, the week has gone OK. Had a few buttons pushed like a few mornings ago when someone put a lit cigarette in my bag as I was getting on the bus. I made my way to the back of the bus, upstairs, and thought, for the first minutes, that the girl behind me was smoking. However, when I followed the smoke it led to my bag. I don’t know why I expected the girl to tell me, as she clearly saw something wrong, silly me!
Nothing was really damage, just had to deal w/ a strong, lingering smoky smell until I got back home later that evening.

I’m dreading these holidays for more reasons than one. One, that I will mention, is the work I gotta do for January. Something I forgot all about when going back to college. It’s on Law as well so there’s no shortcuts in research or anything!

Got loads of shopping to do. I’m planning to get Shay a chair and table set for lunch/dinner times at home and also one of those motorised cars or bikes you can get. I want to get him a peddle bike too but that can wait until late Spring.
I’ve never done Christmas cards either – not since leaving school – so I’m thinking of doing some this year. I had always thought they were pointless unless it has money in it! However, I received one today and it was a touching moment. I’m inspired to show a lot more appreciation to those around; show that I acknowledge them in what they do.

Better get drafting some personal, individual messages 🙂

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Back 2 Business!

Posted: November 23, 2009 in Future, Life, People, Struggle
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Now that I’m busy and doing stuff I finally have something to blog about! Whew!

Story so far goes some like…
I’m back at college now, doing a course in Business Administration. The plans I had set failed miserable and made me miserable w/ it! So I had to work w/ the “system” and do something, anything!
The course will at least help w/ getting a decent job next year (fingers crossed), then I can get started on bigger things.

Been real tough. Had to fight w/ myself and my ways b/c I really do take things hard when it comes to accepting alternatives to my own. That comes w/ me wasting so much time and energy bringing everything down just to suit my miserable, pessimistic self – I’m awesome at that!

However, God leads me through so many battle fields and, as much as I highlight the struggles, worse case scenarios, and whatnot, He puts up w/ it and never punishes me for my insults and disrespect of His works. That’s the tolerance I dream about having, trust me!

I’m enjoying the course now. Huge things have blossomed from this new direction, including being offered to be a PA for a Senior Director at my college after only a month and a half of showing what I’m capable of in my studies. Definitely huge! It’ll start out as a placement while I continue studying, yet, will help me tremendously if/when I further my education next year and it’ll also give a great reference in terms of experience. I’m looking to work on advancing myself by building a solid network while there – so butt kissing… here I come! Lol.

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Big Brother and Wedding Stuff

Posted: August 1, 2009 in Life, People, TV
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I’ll publicly admit that I maybe slightly obsessed with Big Brother… Now before you all gasp, I’ve only kept up with my one (UK) because it’s the 10yr anniversary plus I haven’t been into it for the last 4/5 yrs. As for the US version, it is so much better – taking about nomination WILL NOT get you punished, game-planning is ALLOWED and everyone seems a lot more sane. In the UK, they purposely put challenging, weird people in the house for “entertainment” purposes and then… well… that’s about it!

I remember when Big Brother USA was shown on TV over here – I think it was Season 4- I’m not sure if they had broadcast the previous seasons. They didn’t show anymore after that year, which was disappointing. 😦 Now I’ve gotta catch-up on YouTube the morning after each episode thanks to MenOfBigBrother7!

I am NOT an addict!!! Oh yeah, Siavash to win in UK – Bea and Lisa to go ASAP, and either Natalie or Jeff to win in USA – Ronnie to go ASAP. Russell is growing on me for some strange reason. Lydia was a fave at the begininng but I’m starting to change my mind. Hmmm… Kevin winning won’t disappoint me either.

Besides a few films and Friends re-runs I don’t watch anything else. I still get crazy ill, on/off, but seems to have slowed down a bit. I somehow feel disappointed because I lost a lot of weight I wanted to lose during those time, but my mindset is so very wrong and twisted so I take it back. It’s one of those ” I don’t believe buy it” type things to hear but like I keep saying, unless you see it or hear it from someone who has, don’t judge me and call me a liar – that’s hurtful and inconsiderate and frankly,  unnecessary.

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New Life and Stuff

Posted: June 14, 2009 in Life, People, Random
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I’m so happy for Angellyn!  She had her baby boy #3 this weekend – that’s more love to share around! I deactivated my facebook account and I’m pretty sure photos were posted. Talk about bad timing!

This is a great thing and I’m so excited for her and her family. I don’t expect to hear from her for the next few weeks, if she does I think I’ll tell her off a bit. Lol! I did leave a voice mail congratulating them (thanks to Skype’s cheap overseas calls!) and sent my love. I wish I was in Indy right now to visit little man and fam to share such a special moment. Her life is the totally opposite from mine so  I’m sure the childbirth went very smoothly and probably very quick.

I’m talking about a great family here: they have a wonderful life and an inspiring one. I wish that we were closer and had an equal friendship but hopefully that will come in time. The reason I say that is because recently I have noticed how many friends make their conversations all about me or general things. I’m a very open person when I choose to be and so if someone asks what’s up or more specific, I’m tell all my ups and downs plus so much more – I’m expressive. In return of asking how they are it’s a “I’m fine” then they ask for more depth about me… hmmmmm. It makes me feel that everything is one way when relationships should be both ways. Not saying that I’m expecting bad news for them to go through struggles for me to feel differently but it’s like I’m not being let in – What’s going on lately, what they are dealing with/experiencing, hardships, goals, achievements, highlights, ARE YOU OK? etc. Doesn’t even have to be in depth but something at least! I get told off for for saying I’m OK or fine or not bad! Makes no sense to me!

This new week has to be meaningful – it has to be! I must post my tax credit renewal form, post my application for my degree, get my grocery shopping in while being mindful about my finances, clean the house, sort through weeks of pointless mail, search for a christian wedding poem to read at my brother’s wedding in August, find outfits to wear to the four wedding I must attend to in the next 3 months (incl. my brother’s – the big one!), try and remember Fathers Day, find out if  can degrade my digital TV because I blatantly don’t need all the channels I’m subscribed to… I’m sure there’s a few things I’m missing….

I decided to go with my “timeout” with peers for a while, hence to deactivation of facebook so I should have the time to complete my to-do list. I’ll be on Twitter though, so I won’t be disappearing really 🙂

Other than that, I’m gooooooood! :p

I have never felt so trapped within myself before… I go through periods of isolation so much so it bothers me. I think it bothers me more because others are bothered by it so I’m kinda confused as to whether I am as much in thelohvcfghd wrong as I beat myself up to be.

I tend to “go into hiding” for a few weeks – no one really hears from me. I don’t decide to do it, I just find myself doing it. Maybe it’s an insecurity… It gets to the point sometimes when I cannot stand people at all! Even close friends I suddenly find irritating, uncomfortable, to keep it subtle and I don’t know why! If I’m not careful I could even end up disliking them and completely pushing them out of my life, even though they most likely haven’t done anything wrong at all.

This is hard to admit. Definitely not something to be proud of. It ruins my relationships all the time. I just disappear and, not-so-much become a complete bum and mope around, but just don’t respond to anyone whether its a call, a text, an email… etc

I’m someone who requires space and not too many friends. I have trust issues (not to excuse my ways) and hate being dependant. No one really deserves what I do but I am so unaware that it’s happening that when I do catch on, I go with it and have the strongest desire to block everyone out and start a new life with fresh new people…

Been battling this week and I actually cried for the first time in mucho months. It was a late night conversation with a friend of mine that did it. As caring and thoughtful as it was to encourage me to humble myself enough to re-approach people to try reviving relationships, I cried because I didn’t have to desire to what I should do. I should want to.

So now I think people have had enough of my flaws because I no longer hear from them either… Don’t blame them. ARGH!! I must have some deep, twisted issues that sub-consciously cause me to jepardise my own life.

Thought I’d share this because I’m hurting…