Archive for the ‘Struggle’ Category

Back 2 Business!

Posted: November 23, 2009 in Future, Life, People, Struggle
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Now that I’m busy and doing stuff I finally have something to blog about! Whew!

Story so far goes some like…
I’m back at college now, doing a course in Business Administration. The plans I had set failed miserable and made me miserable w/ it! So I had to work w/ the “system” and do something, anything!
The course will at least help w/ getting a decent job next year (fingers crossed), then I can get started on bigger things.

Been real tough. Had to fight w/ myself and my ways b/c I really do take things hard when it comes to accepting alternatives to my own. That comes w/ me wasting so much time and energy bringing everything down just to suit my miserable, pessimistic self – I’m awesome at that!

However, God leads me through so many battle fields and, as much as I highlight the struggles, worse case scenarios, and whatnot, He puts up w/ it and never punishes me for my insults and disrespect of His works. That’s the tolerance I dream about having, trust me!

I’m enjoying the course now. Huge things have blossomed from this new direction, including being offered to be a PA for a Senior Director at my college after only a month and a half of showing what I’m capable of in my studies. Definitely huge! It’ll start out as a placement while I continue studying, yet, will help me tremendously if/when I further my education next year and it’ll also give a great reference in terms of experience. I’m looking to work on advancing myself by building a solid network while there – so butt kissing… here I come! Lol.

(more…)

I have never felt so trapped within myself before… I go through periods of isolation so much so it bothers me. I think it bothers me more because others are bothered by it so I’m kinda confused as to whether I am as much in thelohvcfghd wrong as I beat myself up to be.

I tend to “go into hiding” for a few weeks – no one really hears from me. I don’t decide to do it, I just find myself doing it. Maybe it’s an insecurity… It gets to the point sometimes when I cannot stand people at all! Even close friends I suddenly find irritating, uncomfortable, to keep it subtle and I don’t know why! If I’m not careful I could even end up disliking them and completely pushing them out of my life, even though they most likely haven’t done anything wrong at all.

This is hard to admit. Definitely not something to be proud of. It ruins my relationships all the time. I just disappear and, not-so-much become a complete bum and mope around, but just don’t respond to anyone whether its a call, a text, an email… etc

I’m someone who requires space and not too many friends. I have trust issues (not to excuse my ways) and hate being dependant. No one really deserves what I do but I am so unaware that it’s happening that when I do catch on, I go with it and have the strongest desire to block everyone out and start a new life with fresh new people…

Been battling this week and I actually cried for the first time in mucho months. It was a late night conversation with a friend of mine that did it. As caring and thoughtful as it was to encourage me to humble myself enough to re-approach people to try reviving relationships, I cried because I didn’t have to desire to what I should do. I should want to.

So now I think people have had enough of my flaws because I no longer hear from them either… Don’t blame them. ARGH!! I must have some deep, twisted issues that sub-consciously cause me to jepardise my own life.

Thought I’d share this because I’m hurting…

Haven’t had a clue what the date has been for a while… sometimes I did, for like when filling in forms or having appointments or meetings to attend – I’d sleep and POOF! I wake up unknown to the date once again. So Happy 1st of the Month and Happy April Fools! ­čÖé

I made a courageous step a few days ago and I thought what I was feeling was regret, but it turns out that I’m just scared. When we open doors to haunting things – well, who wants to do that?!? We some up how pointless it was – how typing it out/writing it/speaking about it makes you cry inside (or for many, outside too), how the pain all rushes back which for some reason makes me so angry, how it makes you want to just wanna stop and crawl into a hole…

I actually got angry at the people I shared my story with – secretly. I can laugh at it now, but there’s something about┬áhearing positive stuff when you’re down that really bugs me. Could have screamed but I’m not the screaming type! :p

Days have passed now and I can’t say I have the intention to approach the topic again – nor solve the mess… sigh.

I’ve probably got this completely wrong (more time – YES!) but I woke up this morning, decided to cheer up and now I┬áfeel totally refreshed! Am I kidding myself?! Can it be that simple?? I want it to be! I NEED it to be! I just don’t know┬áhow to solve inner issues that steal my joy daily, manipulate my emotions and my perspective on life, cause me to step out the social-circle a couple times a month because I don’t like the possibility of bring others down when I am…. Demanding myself to be happy and not to think too much seems perfect!

So can this month be opening to new things – the concept of it being┬áthe blossoming season makes it a perfect fit to waking up each morning WANTING to blossom and enjoy my day!

I must be dilusional…

Seriously, I don’t do much in my free-time that is worth any attention on this blog… sigh – but if you insist! :p

I think I’m a pretty great bum because I do very little and complain about it. Do you think my friends receive calls from me? Nope – theycomplain all the time “Where have you been hiding?!” And I’ll respond “At home!” as if to say – DUH! Occassionally I will pick up the phone – I mostly stare at it while it rings thinking how I really can’t be bothered, then when I see them I complain about the parties, social gatherings and jokes I missed out on. Now I just don’t get told! LOL! I just have to be there when things get arranged or pick up the phone and hope that this person will inform me somehow if something is coming up.

What do I do? Hmmmm… I read A LOT! Sit A LOT! Maybe turn on the TV but I gotta check the schedule first to see if it’s worth the use of electricity. I day dream – hmm…sometimes. Play Sims 2. And the remainder contains a lot of twittering. I snack like crazy (but thankfully no weight is gained!) I am always sleepy which gives me an excuse not to do much. When not working I can easily get up, eat, go back to bed and YAY its evening time! I still do the housework – much more than some – so I’m not a total waste of ┬áspace.

Life, I believe, has been sucks out of me! I have no motivation whatsoever to do anything productive (besides the reading, I guess) and complain about it. Gosh, my life has been very lazy recently and I can feel the depression slowly creeping up on me… I have a lot of time on my hands – work doesn’t take up too much right now.

I love my BF – he sometimes accompanies me in my bumness – I hope it doesn’t rub off on him too much because I’m looking to switch things up real soon.

I guess we all have our weeks or for some, months. Once we get back into the things that define living life – we enter it so refreshed and restored – ready to take over the world and ain’t no rain gonna stop you!

See that’s why I’m proud of being a bum ­čÖé I’m gonna take over the world in T minus 7 days!!! Until then, y’all gotta put up with my boring rambling :p