Posts Tagged ‘Thoughts’

I have never felt so trapped within myself before… I go through periods of isolation so much so it bothers me. I think it bothers me more because others are bothered by it so I’m kinda confused as to whether I am as much in thelohvcfghd wrong as I beat myself up to be.

I tend to “go into hiding” for a few weeks – no one really hears from me. I don’t decide to do it, I just find myself doing it. Maybe it’s an insecurity… It gets to the point sometimes when I cannot stand people at all! Even close friends I suddenly find irritating, uncomfortable, to keep it subtle and I don’t know why! If I’m not careful I could even end up disliking them and completely pushing them out of my life, even though they most likely haven’t done anything wrong at all.

This is hard to admit. Definitely not something to be proud of. It ruins my relationships all the time. I just disappear and, not-so-much become a complete bum and mope around, but just don’t respond to anyone whether its a call, a text, an email… etc

I’m someone who requires space and not too many friends. I have trust issues (not to excuse my ways) and hate being dependant. No one really deserves what I do but I am so unaware that it’s happening that when I do catch on, I go with it and have the strongest desire to block everyone out and start a new life with fresh new people…

Been battling this week and I actually cried for the first time in mucho months. It was a late night conversation with a friend of mine that did it. As caring and thoughtful as it was to encourage me to humble myself enough to re-approach people to try reviving relationships, I cried because I didn’t have to desire to what I should do. I should want to.

So now I think people have had enough of my flaws because I no longer hear from them either… Don’t blame them. ARGH!! I must have some deep, twisted issues that sub-consciously cause me to jepardise my own life.

Thought I’d share this because I’m hurting…

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What to say?

Posted: March 30, 2009 in Eye-Opener, God/Faith, Life, Revelation, Trust
Tags: , , , ,

Would have posted something sooner but the week took a toll on me – everything and everyone! Plus, my connection has been kinda slow so I’ve been resorting to handheld devices to interact rather than my laptop – there’s my excuse for the blog neglection! 🙂

One of the main things I have come to realise this week is how even the bad things people do is good for someone else. Go figure, huh?! So when people have brought me down, angered me, hurt me, whatever else – I somehow have to press through and thank God for that! Sometimes saying thanks during those times is thankfulness in advance… sometimes a relief because we saw how things could have been worse.

What’s difficult about that is we don’t like being that way! Seeing the brighter and bigger side isn’t everyones taste. It means we must think and do with a purpose, accept ourselves as a purpose and allow ourselves to be of a purpose, not to forget the purpose is beyond us completely. Also involves believeing in justice though it may not come straight away nor in the way we desired, hope and faith in better experiences and encounters, believing in something or someone better than all of us put together AND some! Oh and importantly, believing in the design of life – where it leads.

I would be nothing right now without the knowledge of the “bigger picture”. Would have given up on others and myself.

It gave me the tolerance to put up with things, the humility to put them aside and respect to the things that are good.

Still, I’m nowhere near a master of this perspective. I’m crumbling even now!

Thought I’d just say it anyway… you know, since I chose purpose a while ago so then something about my thoughts MUST be something for someone… right? :p