Archive for April, 2009

Must admit, the idea of blogging daily USE to excite me – now it feels like a drag 😦

Hopefully this is just a passing phase. Maybe I need a new angle? Or stop thinking to much? Or just stop being so lazy? LOL!

I’ll get back to this tomorrow… PROMISE! I think there is a few things in the back of my mind that I wanna share… 🙂

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Happy belated Easter!

Posted: April 13, 2009 in God/Faith
Tags: , , ,

I surprisingly didn’t eat any chocolate! Ha! It’s overracted anyway… I munched on Fruit Pastilles and orange Gatorade while l sat through a suprisingly long church service. Yeah, I tend to stray out on occasions and get some snacks from the store to share around with my friends during service (when I feel like it)! It’s so wrong but it works for us young people for the moment. Doesn’t mean we don’t listen and take the message in but we’re the type to become easily restless when sitting in the same spot for 2hrs! 🙂

What I love about celebrations like these is the joy of it! And the meaning of it! AND how freeing it feels because I foundate my life on it! I believe in the freedom that the Word promises us – the debt paid for us, an abundant life, unconditional love that makes my head spin and a place I can feel safe and call home. Even when I struggle to allow such things, knowing they exist and believing it with my whole heart works during those times too – so imagine when I DO grasp it and how wonderful life feels at that point!

I wish I could get it all the time but I don’t. I screw up and I am forgiven before I even act. I could easy be all like “Hey, I’m gonna do this JUST BECAUSE I can get away with it!” but it never feels satisfying. So instead I stay conscious of the fact that I’m far from perfect and when I take a wrong turn during my strive to being Christ-like, I thank God for not holding it against me and being forever understanding and compassionate… it makes a huge difference. Sounds crazy to many but breathe-taking for believers.

I’m not a preacher. I still feel like a baby in Christ and pretty useless to other people. But He gave me purpose and meaning, a full life and I am MORE than complete.

“…you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.” (Psalm 23:5b-6)

Gotta love the “cup overflows” part – God is more than sufficient that we cannot contain it all!!! 🙂

Haven’t had a clue what the date has been for a while… sometimes I did, for like when filling in forms or having appointments or meetings to attend – I’d sleep and POOF! I wake up unknown to the date once again. So Happy 1st of the Month and Happy April Fools! 🙂

I made a courageous step a few days ago and I thought what I was feeling was regret, but it turns out that I’m just scared. When we open doors to haunting things – well, who wants to do that?!? We some up how pointless it was – how typing it out/writing it/speaking about it makes you cry inside (or for many, outside too), how the pain all rushes back which for some reason makes me so angry, how it makes you want to just wanna stop and crawl into a hole…

I actually got angry at the people I shared my story with – secretly. I can laugh at it now, but there’s something about hearing positive stuff when you’re down that really bugs me. Could have screamed but I’m not the screaming type! :p

Days have passed now and I can’t say I have the intention to approach the topic again – nor solve the mess… sigh.

I’ve probably got this completely wrong (more time – YES!) but I woke up this morning, decided to cheer up and now I feel totally refreshed! Am I kidding myself?! Can it be that simple?? I want it to be! I NEED it to be! I just don’t know how to solve inner issues that steal my joy daily, manipulate my emotions and my perspective on life, cause me to step out the social-circle a couple times a month because I don’t like the possibility of bring others down when I am…. Demanding myself to be happy and not to think too much seems perfect!

So can this month be opening to new things – the concept of it being the blossoming season makes it a perfect fit to waking up each morning WANTING to blossom and enjoy my day!

I must be dilusional…