Posts Tagged ‘Troubles’

I have never felt so trapped within myself before… I go through periods of isolation so much so it bothers me. I think it bothers me more because others are bothered by it so I’m kinda confused as to whether I am as much in thelohvcfghd wrong as I beat myself up to be.

I tend to “go into hiding” for a few weeks – no one really hears from me. I don’t decide to do it, I just find myself doing it. Maybe it’s an insecurity… It gets to the point sometimes when I cannot stand people at all! Even close friends I suddenly find irritating, uncomfortable, to keep it subtle and I don’t know why! If I’m not careful I could even end up disliking them and completely pushing them out of my life, even though they most likely haven’t done anything wrong at all.

This is hard to admit. Definitely not something to be proud of. It ruins my relationships all the time. I just disappear and, not-so-much become a complete bum and mope around, but just don’t respond to anyone whether its a call, a text, an email… etc

I’m someone who requires space and not too many friends. I have trust issues (not to excuse my ways) and hate being dependant. No one really deserves what I do but I am so unaware that it’s happening that when I do catch on, I go with it and have the strongest desire to block everyone out and start a new life with fresh new people…

Been battling this week and I actually cried for the first time in mucho months. It was a late night conversation with a friend of mine that did it. As caring and thoughtful as it was to encourage me to humble myself enough to re-approach people to try reviving relationships, I cried because I didn’t have to desire to what I should do. I should want to.

So now I think people have had enough of my flaws because I no longer hear from them either… Don’t blame them. ARGH!! I must have some deep, twisted issues that sub-consciously cause me to jepardise my own life.

Thought I’d share this because I’m hurting…

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An Eeeeeek of a day!

Posted: May 20, 2009 in Random, Troubles
Tags: , ,

First thing: When visiting my blog to reply to comments today, I noticed that the Friends video got disabled! It made me laugh because I distinctly remember the video not having an embedded code on YouTube – the person who uploaded the footage disabled that option. But then I thought, well hang on a sec! WordPress doesn’t need that anyway, I just need to URL so it was a win-win IMO!! LOL

Yeah, I must have got caught out or something so I had to replace it with another one which, on my laptop, freezes a little – don’t know if that’s me or…Eeek #1

THEN – While watching the video, for the 7th time in the last three days my laptop froze on me! I think it has something to do with my new wireless hub because I’ve never had this problem before and it’s the only change this laptop has been through recently. But then I somehow think it’s something to do with FireFox… I’m not sure but whatever it is, it’s interfering with the security – After doing the “Ctrl-Alt-Delete” to then be lead to a black screen, waiting about 20mins for something to show up, a pop-up about failed security something comes up. Eeek #2! On the plus side, while troubleshooting my Vaio online, I came across my next “must-get” (because I can afford it) gadget!!! So pretty!! 7″ touch screen, SLiding QWERTY Keyboard, Intel Core Solo Chip, WAN, Wi Fi, Bluetooth, 3G, Two cameras, Windows XP Pro, HDMI Port and probably more stuff…. I know I probably don’t NEED it but DANG! That’s a sexy-looking piece of technology! Sony Vaio UX 🙂

While I was faffing around dealing with all this stuff and almost dribbling onto my laptop, lil’bug didn’t get much attention. I left him inAwkward to say the least... his highchair eating a yogurt, which I think he finished 45secs after giving it to him, he was so quiet I had forgot all about him… and well look! I know many kids can sleep through anything, and many times in very weird positions incl. standing up with their head on the table (something I cracked up about when mine did it!) but I am willing to admit how wrong this is and yes, I do feel guilty. I quickly took a pic and transferred him to his cotbed 😦 Eeek #3

Lastly: To make this day even more eeek, I just found out that one of my very back teeth at top is missing some! It got chipped months ago and I ignored it – but then last night I started to feel a slight pain and now I’ve just realised that the chip is now a hole!!! Freaked me out when I successfully led my tongue back there to see what was going on. This is gonna mean loosing a tooth. *Sniff*It is a wisdom tooth so it’s not a real loss, I guess. Plus, when I got pregnant in 2007 I was real smart and got a health plan for myself and the fetus-with-no-name (at the time) meaning I don’t have to worry too much about dental costs because I can claim it back afterwards! Eeek #4 but YAY for thinking ahead two years ago! 🙂